[Parts 1, 2,
and 3] I guess too that those of us
who follow our questions, fears and doubts – and are not (necessarily) the
victims of explicit spiritual abuse – are often complicit in the process of both leaving
and of becoming marginalised from others. But then again churches in my
experience, as I’ve already noted, aren’t good at accompanying or learning from
those who are on what invariably, but sadly, becomes a leaver’s journey.
Neither party is often good at, or sometimes even able to listen or of putting into words etc what is
happening for them. Neither party often feels safe (churches can feel threatened, for example; individuals feel they're closed down and unable to safely talk about what's happening for them), and as a consequence an
opportunity for mutual growth is missed. We need more safe and agenda-less
spaces. More spaces where the power of the establishment and establishment
roles are laid aside for the sake of discerning God and God’s kingdom
opportunities.
Again, as I’ve already said, as a “leaver” you often get to a point,
or you make a decision to internalize your experiences and new learning and to
keep them to yourself – as much for self-protection as anything else. However,
in that process (and its often a very needful process) you find yourself
leaving more and more of yourself at the door on a Sunday morning. You find it
harder and harder to be yourself in any kind of authentic or life-giving way in
church contexts. This strains relationships – you become more distant – and as
a result, perhaps the need to leave becomes inevitable – you loose connection
and the inertia of your own journey continues to propel you away from a
congregation. It becomes impossible
to maintain the façade of “fitting in”, of being what you’re implicitly (and
often explicitly) expected to be as a member of a congregation. The gap between
what you experience as a member of a congregation and what you experience and
need beyond the congregation grows ever wider.
Interestingly though,
we honor and bless pastors when they leave, people who leave the congregation
to shift to another part of the country, the dead, but we do nothing for those
who leave congregations in order to find God and to better resource the needs
of their lives and their humanity.
Existing congregations, I believe, miss the opportunities of walking
alongside the person who is following their questions and their hearts, and
they miss a profound opportunity to discern what might be the invitations of
God to them as congregations –
invitations to newness, growth, and the future (in contrast to the typical
retreat of congregations into the safety of the past and the familiar).
Perhaps therefore, by
way of a conclusion, it’s less important for “communities to challenge the ways things are done” in church contexts
and more important for churches
themselves to be willing to allow themselves to be challenged and thus to
change…?
So, by way of summary,
what are some of the practical things church can do in a healthy response to
those on the outside of the inside and what Alan Jamieson calls “internal
leavers”…?
- Create a “Spirited
Exchanges” type of group – a safe space where people can talk about and explore
what’s happening for them.
- Start a discernment / listening group around coffee and/or
food – a small group which includes church leaders (as facilitators and
especially listeners) and begin to listen and discern for the ways in which God
might be at work; the ways in which God might be inviting change and growth and
a personal and corporate level.
- Encourage the use of
spiritual directors (and where useful therapists – there could well be life
issues that are contributing to the marginal places people are finding
themselves, for example, mid-life, grief & loss, relationship issues etc).
- Creative and
participative learning opportunities, workshops (e.g. prayer and contemplation;
art, film watching experiences, faith-stage learning, Myers-Briggs etc)
retreats etc.
- Field-trips – visit
and explore other ways and creative/imaginative ways of being church.
- Invest in books like
Alan Jamieson’s books A Churchless
Faith, Chrysalis etc.
- Explore Alt.Worship
and other useful ways that a new (outward-looking / missional) congregation
might be formed.
- Enable Theological
Study.
- Get on the mailing
list for the Spirited Exchanges (UK) newsletter.
- Create meaningful leaving
rituals for those who decide they have to leave.
The list could go on.
What have others found useful or life-giving…?
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