Prodigal Kiwi(s) Blog

The Prodigal Son and God’s Mercy

Andrew Perriman offers a reflection on the Prodigal Son, a story that has been important to me over many years. Indeed the name and strap line of this blog make a clear link; well a link in my mind anyway. 

Andrew writes: 

“…The problem with the first son was not that he had worked dutifully while the other had played the wastrel. It was not that he tried to justify himself by not disobeying his father’s command (15:29). His problem, which was the problem of the Pharisees and scribes, was that he could not accept the forgiveness extended towards his brother, he could not join in the celebration. He begrudged his father’s generosity.

The story told in Matthew of a man who recruits labourers to work in his vineyard throughout the day makes the same point. At the end of the shift, they are all paid the same amount, and those who worked through the heat of the day are naturally disgruntled. But the master of the house replies to one of them:

Friend, I am doing you no wrong. Did you not agree with me for a denarius? Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give to this last worker as I give to you. Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity? (Matt. 20:13-15)

Those who complained are rebuked for their mean-spiritedness, but there is no suggestion that they should not have worked throughout the day in the vineyard. They were there to work. That was why they had been employed in the first place.

This is not about whether we earn our salvation or not. It is about whether as we go about doing the work of God we can allow him to have mercy on those who do not work.

This was not a trivial matter. In fact, the inability of the leaders of Israel to get the point of forgiveness was to prove their downfall. But this is a very different narrative to the story of personal salvation that the parable is coerced into illustrating in evangelistic sermons.

What are we to do about this? Until the revolution comes and a narrative-historically constructed worldview displaces the modern theologically constructed worldview, we are probably stuck with misinterpreting Jesus for the sake of our gospel. But I think we should at least be aware of the fact that the stories we tell are not necessarily the stories that Jesus told, for all their superficial similarities…” 

You can read Andrew’s whole post here. 

Rowan Williams: Not Victory, But Instead, Understanding and Depth

A few lines/themes from recent addresses (this one, for example) by Rowan Williams have remained with me, having application not just to interfaith religious dialogue, but all to relationships, and to ‘non-religious’ conversations with we are in as we go about our everyday and very ordinary activities: 

“The Archbishop of Canterbury and Sri Shruti Dharma Das Ji launched the Hindu Christian Forum at Lambeth Palace, at an event which featured addresses from Andrew Stunell MP, Baroness Richardson and Lord Popat. 

In his address, the Archbishop said "The conversation of interfaith dialogue is always one where we look eagerly and expectantly for enrichment. We're not playing for victory, we're seeking understanding from one another... by learning the depth of one another's commitment and vision - dialogue and depth is what we all hope for." 

And from another recent address on an interfaith theme: 

"To belong is to know that there is somewhere where you don't have to earn your position – it's guaranteed; you are at home and you don't have to work in order to be there. That level of belonging is one of the crucial things which our religious identity gives to us." 

A useful question I’ve used and adapted in various ways for specific contexts is: “What are you willing to be wrong about in relation to the other; one or two things that open up possibilities for new ways of relating and of new understanding and perspective?”

How much better is the little of those who know Love

Today’s post is pinched, with slight variation from Sheila Pritchard’s blog Concentric Circles. Thanks Sheila. 

Part of Psalm 37; useful to be reminded of the wider implications – the socio-political, economic dimensions etc of love, indeed, of the way of love.

 

In a little while, those who live with greed

will prosper no more;

the darkness of ignorance will pass

as a new dawn enlightens the world.

The lovers of darkness shall perish,

while the humble shall inherit the earth, and find

delight in sharing its abundance with all.

 

Those who are greedy plot against the weak,

those without worldly power,

and rationalize their selfish deeds.

The Beloved watches patiently, knowing

they will stumble and have to face

their own downfall.

 

Those with power make war

despoiling nations,

killing the poor and innocent,

murdering in the name of peace!

 

O, if only they knew that their greed

will kill their own spirit;

their hearts will be broken.

 

How much better is the little of

those who know Love, than

the abundance of the greedy ones.

...

Those who are greedy borrow, using

money they cannot pay back;

the upright are generous and give.

Blessed by Love, they know inner peace,

but the selfish cut themselves off from Love. 

From Psalms for Praying: An Invitation to Wholeness by Nan C. Merrill

 

All Marriages Can Be Saved! Really?

As a supplement to yesterday’s post, here’s two podcasts: the first is a Radio New Zealand interview with Helen LaKelly Hunt, while the second is a Sounds True interview with Harville Hendrix, her husband. 

The co-founded the Institute for Imago Relationship Therapy have written a couple of books together, including the excellent How to Get the Love You Want: a Guidebook for Couples. Pastorally I’d make this book a compulsory part of pre-marriage work, and would also encourage that an Imago Relationship workshop / weekend be completed by couples journeying toward engagement and/or marriage.  Sounds True also has a very useful CD-audio series available: Finding and Keeping Love. 

Hunt’s interview is for all intentioned purposes in two parts with respect to content; the first part focuses on her philanthropic work with women, while the second part which begins at 25min 04 secs in focuses on their relationship therapy work. In it she makes the bold assertion that “every marriage is repairable!” Full-stop! No qualifiers. If you read yesterday’s post, and especially the articles appended at the bottom of it, you may not in fact be surprised that she could say that. I think the practices of “conscious partnerships” are applicable to every kind of relationship. 

She closes out the interview with the notion that we use the pain in our relationships as a “breakthrough moment” by means of which we get to the glory; the treasure, as it were, at the heart of every relationship. 

The second interview can be found here, and it’s with Hendrix. Again, a fascinating interview and well worth a listen. His lament is that because the change required at an individual / couple level is such hard (but ultimately so rewarding) work that it is easier and takes less character and courage to “…divorce, breakup the family, and divide up all their possessions…” It’s easier than taking the risk and acquiring a new and deeply satisfying way of relating. Deep, deep regret and sadness will continue to be endemic if we don’t learn new ways of relating (for more on this, see yesterday’s post). Everything in our consumerist, disposable culture works against and erodes marriage and the deep healing and humanity that a “conscious partnership” makes possible. Again, if it’s not working for me, then the easy option is to discard the relationship and pursue a new one, or more likely new ones (plural), taking with us our projections, disowned, lost and false selves, habitual and unconscious practices, disappointment, hurt, and pain with us. It’s easier to discard and distract than face into our own interior work for healing, change, growth, and maybe even restoration of the relationships that really are important on so many levels.  

Ten Characteristics of a Conscious Relationship

Following on from yesterday’s post, let’s start with a definition of “conscious partnership” (as distinct from the typically more common unconscious partnership. Harville Hendrix, founder of imago relationships notes, “…a conscious partnership is a relationship that fosters maximum psychological and spiritual growth; it’s a relationship created by becoming conscious and cooperating with the fundamental drives of the unconscious mind – to be safe, to be healed, and to be whole…” 

And now for the characteristics of a conscious partnership: 

“…You realise that your love relationship has a hidden purpose – the healing of childhood wounds. Instead of focusing entirely on surface needs and desires, you learn to recognise the unresolved childhood issues that underlie them. 

You create a more accurate image of your partner. At the very moment of attraction, you begin fusing your lover with your primary caretakers. Later you project your negative traits onto your partner, further obscuring your partner’s essential reality. As you move toward a conscious relationship, you gradually let go these illusions and begin to see more of your partner’s truth. You see your partner not as your saviour but as another wounded human being, struggling to be healed. 

You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner. In an unconscious partnership, you cling to the childhood that your partner automatically intuits your needs. In conscious partnership, you accept the fact that, in order to understand each other, you have to develop clear channels of communication. 

You become more intentional in your interactions. In an unconscious partnership, you tend to react without thinking. You allow the primitive response of your old brain to control your behaviour. In a conscious partnership, you train yourself to behave in a more constructive manner. 

You learn to value your partners needs and wishes as highly as you value your own. In an unconscious partnership, you assume your partner’s role in life is to take care of your needs magically. In a conscious partnership, you let go of this narcissistic view and divert more and more of your energy to meeting your partners needs. 

You embrace the dark side of your personality. In a conscious partnership, you openly acknowledge the fact that you, like everyone else, have negative traits. As you accept responsibility for this dark side of your nature, you lessen your tendency to project your negative traits onto your mate, which creates a less hostile environment. 

You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires. During the [inevitable] power struggle[s], you cajole, harangue, and blame in an attempt to coerce your partner to meet your needs. When you move beyond this stage, you realise your partner can indeed be a resource for you – once you abandon your self-defeating tactics. 

You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking. One reason you were attracted to your partner is that she or he had strengths and abilities that you lacked. Therefore, being with your partner gave you an illusory sense of wholeness. In a conscious partnership, you learn that the only way you can truly recapture a sense of oneness is to develop the hidden traits within yourself. 

You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole… As a part of your God-given nature, you have the ability to love unconditionally… social conditioning and imperfect parenting made you lose touch with these qualities. In a conscious partnership, you begin to rediscover your original nature. 

You accept the difficulty of creating a lasting love relationship. In an unconscious partnership, you believe that the way to have a good relationship is to pick the right partner. In a conscious partnership you realise you have to be the right partner. As you gain a more realistic view, you realise that a good partnership requires commitment, discipline, and courage to grow and change; creating a fulfilling love relationship is hard work…” 

“…We are slow to comprehend that, in order to be loved, we must first become lovers…” 

Which of course assumes that we know what love is, that we know what it is to be a person who is able to love. I think too that it assumes a willingness live beneath the surface of life, to journey into depth. And, also, in transitioning from unconsciousness to consciousness and intentionality one must be both willing and able to change, because change in this context is something we inherently resist. It’s difficult and hard work (albeit, deeply rewarding). 

We’re comfortable (ironically, in our “uncomfortableness”). We have well-established patterns of behaviour and ways of acting. All too often we ‘sleep’ our way through life and relationships. We’re more interested in the moment (the small picture) in self-gratification, and in meeting superficial needs or needs that should be secondary.

And, finally, Hendrix would reflect that the change or transition must begin with each of us individually. We can’t change another person, and clearly where there’s an unwillingness in a partnership by one of the partners to move from unconsciousness to unconsciousness, to take responsibility for embodying and enacting the characteristics of a conscious way of being both open to the realities of the person they are themselves, but also to the partnership, then there is no possibility of a conscious partnership.

Many of the “ten steps” (see below) don’t come naturally. We need, through much practice to rewire our brains, and thus our habits and ways of being in partnership. 

All quotes and the ten characteristics are by Harville Hendrix PhD. Hendrix was in New Zealand earlier this year. The NZ Herald featured his and his wife’s visit in an article that featured his Ten Steps to Happiness. The Sunday Star Times featured an article on marriage a path to wholeness (both are well worth reading and reflecting on).

Towards the Other in Love

One consequence of a commitment to continuous learning and (critical) self-reflection is the way in which understanding gives way to deeper or richer understanding over time, i.e. we think we know about or understand something, and then we discover we know so little and have so much more to learn. Disconcerting for some; especially those for whom “black and white” is their mode of being in the world, but liberating and life-giving for others more comfortable with a process and journey that is to a large degree open-ended. 

This morning, a lovely quote on ‘Christian’ love via Chelle Wade (her full reflection here) that bears much reflection, and indeed conversation: 

“If such love is a spontaneous ‘going out’ towards the other, it is also a very important fact that we can find ourselves affirmed in our deepest being by others’ love… That response to love is a realizing, in the one loved, of her own value or worth. But this loving of her is then not an arbitrary creation of anything; it is a creative realizing of a value in the one loved that she herself can find affirmed in the way she experiences that love. Putting this slightly differently: if there is reason for calling this deepest kind of love ‘gratuitous’, it is both a marvelous and an important fact that people can find their own deepest being affirmed by it” (p.329). 

‘Two Conceptions of Love in Philosophical Thought’ by Christopher Cordner. Published in Sophia: International Journal for Philosophy of Religion, Metaphysical Theology and Ethics (University of Melbourne) Vol. 50, No 3, Sept 2011, pp.315-329. 

To underline the importance of intention in love, and of consciousness rather than the more typical outworking of unconsciousness in partnership, friendships and relationships, tomorrow I want to highlight “Ten Characteristics of a Conscious Partnership”. 

 

“Our Deepest Desire is Our Personal Compass”

“…Our deepest desire is our personal compass. This compass is a divine gift. It is our heart-experienced desire that orientates us to God. Understanding this desire is the key to human purpose and happiness. I might think my desire is for money, food, new relationships, and possessions, for sex or even for good wine. These gifts of God are all good in their time and place. But none of these gifts (or even all of them together on a ‘busy’ evening) can deliver the satisfaction they seem to promise. At the surface, our impulses (often only the motivations of our consciousness) are formed by fashion and fear. Most often these urges are little more than the product of our culture and upbringing… 

…My greatest maturity is reached when I seek opportunities to give all I have and possess to another. In this decision of the will my superficial feelings are transcended and I relax in the embrace of Jesus. When I leave this embrace, and grasp at whatever appears to offer satisfaction, I am left feeling empty and lonely. When I relax into the embrace and provision of the one who loves me more that I could ever dream, and then I experience all that I have ever desired… 

…We like to do what attracts us and avoid what we don’t like… we are caught in the tension between attraction and resistance … a mark of the ‘fallen’ human condition… 

…I need to acknowledge that my ideas of what constitutes both love and fear are severely distorted. At times I fear love… there are other times when I resist love. In other moments I am trapped by resistance. In these moments thoughts of anger and revenge flood my consciousness… 

… In choosing Christ, I am seeking to live in relationship with Jesus. Like the first disciples, we choose to follow an attraction. No doubt fears floated in the minds of Andrew and John. But they encountered the ultimate relationship. They felt at home in the loving gaze of Jesus. They had found the relationship they had spent their lives seeking. And when he said, “come and see”, they could not resist. 

And this is the heart of human existence. To often when we [spiritual directors; and I’d add “counsellors”, albeit the stage of the journey they accompany us on is likely not often explicitly about a “journey of faith] say we’re accompanying pilgrims on their journey of faith, we’re doing little but supporting their superficial attractions and fears. This happens when we [human beings in general] seek nothing more for ourselves than the gratification of our own compulsions. 

A spiritual director is one who themselves has a greater attraction to the objective reality of the life of God (as reflected in the life of the directee), than to the establishment and maintenance of a positive relationship with the directee…” 

Fr. John O’Connor, from an article titled Attraction and Resistance in Life with God.  

For more on this theme of “desire”, you might find this article (PDF) of interest.  

 

Philip Sheldrake, Spirituality, Freedom from Self-Centredness, Economics and The Human Future

Philip Sheldrake is a theologian who’s had a big formative influence on my journey. A number of articles and essays by him have been just the resource I needed at a particular stage in my journey; likewise his books, not all of which I’ve read, but I have dipped into all of them, and even that experience has been a rich one – oftentimes it has been very timely too. 

I was therefore a delight to hear a two-part interview with Sheldrake facilitated by Ian Mobsby. The interview was conducted under the titles: Spirituality, Economics, and the Human Future. And, Spirituality as Principled Freedom from the Self-Centred Life. 

In the first podcast they explore “the themes of spirituality as a principled life, an inner experience of transformation through encounter with God, the freedom of spirituality as a life away from self-centredness and the challenge of the Church to be spiritual in our current western contexts…

In the second they explore “the themes of spirituality informed economics, and the understanding that the market was supposed to be about building a better world. Philip shares his hope that we begin to see that consumption is not an end in itself, and that we recover a sense of a just and human centred society.”

You will find both downloadable podcasts here. 

Scripture: An Authoritative and Formative Role for the Bible in the 21st Century?

Andrew Perriman offers a fascinating suggestion: 

“…I would suggest that the church is having to—or will have to—let go of the notion that we are a religion of a text whose authority is theologically constructed. I suggest that we are having to—or will have to—work with the notion instead that the New Testament is a collection of historical texts, bound up in the messy contingencies of history, much more narrowly confined in its outlook than theology has understood it to be. And I would also suggest that by imaginatively re-entering the dialogue, we will discover how the narrative is inherently authoritative and formative…” 

You can read his full post, from which the above quote was taken, here. You might also want to reflect on Tom Wright’s How Can the Bible Be Authoritative?

His responses to Tom Wright’s inaugural lecture at St. Andrew’s, Scotland is also worth a read. You’ll find the principal ones here and here.  

Seeing the Good in Goodbye

Regular readers of this blog will know that I’m a real fan of the writing of Roger Housden. With a new book out early next year, he’s been reflecting and writing around the theme of saying “goodbye”. Over they years I’ve been deeply touched by the love, depth and humanity of those who, despite all they’ve been through, have been able to embody and enact the sentiments Housden names in the following reflection. Saying “good bye”, and being able to live with the deep pain and the breaking and enlarging of their hearts in the journey to that point, has profoundly moved me. 

Those who love deeply never want to say good-bye, but as Thomas Moore and many others, including Housden, remind us, life is always about endings. Ultimately the very life we’ve been gifted will end. All those we love will at some point leave us or we them – death will take all of us. Good-byes, almost more than anything else, underline what is most precious in life, what has been most precious to that point, and those I’ve known who understand and live out of that deep recognition, out of their deepest and fullest humanity; who face into the pain and darkness, and who are able to step back and say “good bye” with love, gentleness, grace, and a deep compassion born out of their own brokenness, have continued to grow and have gifted those they sadly say “good bye” the prayer and gift of God’s blessing: whether accepted or not. Those who are able to say “good bye” well gift to others a profound act of love; loving enough to let go and bless another person, while all the while they continue their journey into depth though their own tears, pain, heartbreak, and grief.   

As I’ve recently reflected elsewhere (for example), its in the darkness, pain, and in the breaking open of their lives that those who a willing to actually keep their hearts soft, who’re able to forgive and continue loving. It is these people who partner most deeply with their own continuing transformation and growth, a journey marked out as the way of grace and love. Those who haven’t been able to say “good bye” well are those whom I’ve watched with great sadness and compassion, who before my eyes slowly die from the inside out. 

Theodore Roethke is so right when he writes, “those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries.” 

Anyway, all that to introduce the following reflection from Housden written earlier this month: 

“Catching the winged moment as it flies – to borrow an image from William Blake - is, I believe, a true hello and goodbye all in one: a wholehearted embrace of the way life is showing up for us now, even as we acknowledge and yes, even wave at its leaving. And because I do not always live like this, caught as I sometimes am in the holding on or the pushing away, I turn to poetry to help me in the moments of my need. Poetry reminds me of what I know and often forget. Poetry speaks for me what my own tongue sometimes cannot say. Poetry can coax from the shadows of my heart those feelings whose existence I may even have been afraid to admit to. This is why we shudder with recognition when we hear the right poem at the right time. 

I have felt that shudder myself more than once in these last few years. I have attended my mother’s funeral, lost a dear friend, ended a marriage, left a city, New York, that I had grown to love, and a couple of years ago, said goodbye to an intimate relationship with someone on another continent. 

All too often, we can’t find the words to say goodbye. So when my marriage ended, I turned to The God Abandons Anthony, the astonishing poem by the Greek poet, Cavafy, and read it to my wife. Anthony and Cleopatra are about to lose the city of Alexandria to the Roman army. Anthony is also losing the protection of Dionysius, god of music and wine. He stands on a balcony as a procession of musicians walks by. The poet urges him not to turn away from the beauty of the music, but to turn toward it; to take in the full impact of the loss he is going to sustain; to be willing to listen: 

To the exquisite music of that strange procession, 

And say goodbye to her, to the Alexandria you are leaving. 

Can we stand to gaze into the heart of our loss, the preciousness of what we are losing, and not look away? This is the challenge that Cavafy offered me. His poem gave me the words with which to say goodbye to my marriage, and, even as it was dissolving, the courage to feel the value it had served in my life for a period of time. In capturing our innermost wishes and feelings, a poem can be the gift that we give to another and also to ourselves in a moment of parting. 

I have learned that a goodbye is an opportunity for kindness, for forgiveness, for intimacy, and ultimately for love and a deepening acceptance of life as it is instead of what it was or what we may have wanted it to be. Goodbyes can be poignant, sorrowful, sometimes a relief, and now and then, an occasion for joy. They are always transition moments which, when embraced, can be the door to a new life both for ourselves and for others.

To say goodbye with all our heart is to turn a parting into a blessing. God be with you, goodbye means. A blessing is the offering of one heart to another; to another person, to a situation, to life itself. Isn’t that what we are here for? To bless the savor of this precious moment even as it slips through our fingers? To allow its sorrow, its joy, its silence or laughter to enter our life stream and add a measure to who we are?”