Attachment

Kelvin Wright, the Anglican Bishop of Dunedin reflects on “attachment”. My attention was drawn in particular by a conversation I had with a friend a couple of months ago. But it was also drawn by some reading I’ve been doing on “projections” and therapy, specifically Emotionally Focused Therapy and Attachment Theory. 

Here’s an excerpt from Kelvin’s post, in which he quotes Jesuit Priest Anthony De Mello, from a book I have sitting on my desk: 

“…If you look carefully, you will see that there is one thing and only one thing that causes unhappiness. And that is attachment. What is attachment? An emotional state of clinging caused by the belief that without some particular thing or some person you cannot be happy. " 

"Look at it this way. You see persons and things not as they are but as you are. If you wish to meet them as they are you must attend to your attachments and the fears that your attachments generate. Because when you look at life it is these attachments and fears that will decide what you notice and what you block out. Whatever you notice then commands your attention... you have an illusory version of the people and things around you. The more you live with this distorted version the more you become convinced that it is the only true picture of the world because your attachments and fears continue to process incoming data in a way which will reinforce your picture" 

You can read Kelvin’s complete post here. And a follow up one here. 

Comments

[Paul Fromont]

“….One thing we find in secure attachment is not the need to avoid negative emotion but rather that it is activated less frequently. This means when we’re secure and emotion is free to come up and be heard that without trying to suppress, avoid or stay away from it negative emotion is just not there as much.

When we are securely attached we are triggered into states of fear and pain less often, and when we are triggered we can effectively reach and pull for comfort so we move more quickly out of the negative state. Pretty cool.

About hurting those we love –

We hurt those we love because we’re human, not because we love them. As human’s we can’t always be aware, considerate, not stressed out, distracted or know what’s going on in our partners inner world. We are vulnerable and imperfect and that’s perfectly normal and wonderful.

I love idea from Sue Johnson, that when we’re dancing in close proximity we’re bound to step on each other’s toes at times even though we don’t intend to. The good news is – the more we dance in close proximity (sharing, showing our vulnerability and learning about each other) the more we practice moving together so we’re less likely to trip up. And when we do trip over each other, because we’re close and mean so much to each other, it really hurts.

The beauty is, when we’re close we know how to request, and offer, comfort so the hurt is taken care of quickly…”

- Dr Rebecca Jorgensen