Following on from yesterday’s post, let’s start with a definition of “conscious partnership” (as distinct from the typically more common unconscious partnership. Harville Hendrix, founder of imago relationships notes, “…a conscious partnership is a relationship that fosters maximum psychological and spiritual growth; it’s a relationship created by becoming conscious and cooperating with the fundamental drives of the unconscious mind – to be safe, to be healed, and to be whole…”
And now for the characteristics of a conscious partnership:
“…You realise that your love relationship has a hidden purpose – the healing of childhood wounds. Instead of focusing entirely on surface needs and desires, you learn to recognise the unresolved childhood issues that underlie them.
You create a more accurate image of your partner. At the very moment of attraction, you begin fusing your lover with your primary caretakers. Later you project your negative traits onto your partner, further obscuring your partner’s essential reality. As you move toward a conscious relationship, you gradually let go these illusions and begin to see more of your partner’s truth. You see your partner not as your saviour but as another wounded human being, struggling to be healed.
You take responsibility for communicating your needs and desires to your partner. In an unconscious partnership, you cling to the childhood that your partner automatically intuits your needs. In conscious partnership, you accept the fact that, in order to understand each other, you have to develop clear channels of communication.
You become more intentional in your interactions. In an unconscious partnership, you tend to react without thinking. You allow the primitive response of your old brain to control your behaviour. In a conscious partnership, you train yourself to behave in a more constructive manner.
You learn to value your partners needs and wishes as highly as you value your own. In an unconscious partnership, you assume your partner’s role in life is to take care of your needs magically. In a conscious partnership, you let go of this narcissistic view and divert more and more of your energy to meeting your partners needs.
You embrace the dark side of your personality. In a conscious partnership, you openly acknowledge the fact that you, like everyone else, have negative traits. As you accept responsibility for this dark side of your nature, you lessen your tendency to project your negative traits onto your mate, which creates a less hostile environment.
You learn new techniques to satisfy your basic needs and desires. During the [inevitable] power struggle[s], you cajole, harangue, and blame in an attempt to coerce your partner to meet your needs. When you move beyond this stage, you realise your partner can indeed be a resource for you – once you abandon your self-defeating tactics.
You search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you are lacking. One reason you were attracted to your partner is that she or he had strengths and abilities that you lacked. Therefore, being with your partner gave you an illusory sense of wholeness. In a conscious partnership, you learn that the only way you can truly recapture a sense of oneness is to develop the hidden traits within yourself.
You become more aware of your drive to be loving and whole… As a part of your God-given nature, you have the ability to love unconditionally… social conditioning and imperfect parenting made you lose touch with these qualities. In a conscious partnership, you begin to rediscover your original nature.
You accept the difficulty of creating a lasting love relationship. In an unconscious partnership, you believe that the way to have a good relationship is to pick the right partner. In a conscious partnership you realise you have to be the right partner. As you gain a more realistic view, you realise that a good partnership requires commitment, discipline, and courage to grow and change; creating a fulfilling love relationship is hard work…”
“…We are slow to comprehend that, in order to be loved, we must first become lovers…”
Which of course assumes that we know what love is, that we know what it is to be a person who is able to love. I think too that it assumes a willingness live beneath the surface of life, to journey into depth. And, also, in transitioning from unconsciousness to consciousness and intentionality one must be both willing and able to change, because change in this context is something we inherently resist. It’s difficult and hard work (albeit, deeply rewarding).
We’re comfortable (ironically, in our “uncomfortableness”). We have well-established patterns of behaviour and ways of acting. All too often we ‘sleep’ our way through life and relationships. We’re more interested in the moment (the small picture) in self-gratification, and in meeting superficial needs or needs that should be secondary.
And, finally, Hendrix would reflect that the change or transition must begin with each of us individually. We can’t change another person, and clearly where there’s an unwillingness in a partnership by one of the partners to move from unconsciousness to unconsciousness, to take responsibility for embodying and enacting the characteristics of a conscious way of being both open to the realities of the person they are themselves, but also to the partnership, then there is no possibility of a conscious partnership.
Many of the “ten steps” (see below) don’t come naturally. We need, through much practice to rewire our brains, and thus our habits and ways of being in partnership.
All quotes and the ten characteristics are by Harville Hendrix PhD. Hendrix was in New Zealand earlier this year. The NZ Herald featured his and his wife’s visit in an article that featured his Ten Steps to Happiness. The Sunday Star Times featured an article on marriage a path to wholeness (both are well worth reading and reflecting on).
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